Day ninety-two

WFMAD may be on hold for a few weeks. I have a business trip and some other projects I must work on :(

Day ninety-one

Apology

This morning the world nearly ended

and all of my regrets lay in front of me

like dead soldiers. I want to remove them,

but the bodies feel too heavy to lift.

I think I've done wrong, but I don't know

what I've done. Only guilt guilt guilt

like a hammer to nail pounds away

in my mind. I am sorry. I made a mistake

forgive me and even if you slip away

and nothing I say can sway you. I still

love you. Always. Until the sun stops rising.

Day ninety

Can you believe it has been 90 days already! This experiment has had its ups and downs and I've noticed that writing late at night may not always be the best way to squeeze out creativity like an almost empty tube of toothpaste. Day light savings times has begun again! It's 1:29am right now and it still feels like 2:29am. So during the beginning of these 90 days I was going through a tough relationship... trying to salvage something that wasn't working. Eventually that relationship ended. During the past two weeks or so, a new relationship has begun and the cycle begins again. This relationship is far more healthier and better in a lot of aspects. We'll have to see how it affects my writing. For now all is good, and I'm really tired so I'm signing off. Goodnight world and thanks for the reads!

15:56

eighty-nine

Your hands feel cold against the warmth of mine.

The scent of cherry blossoms in your hair

The smell of cherry blossoms fills the air

And I am always yours and you are mine

your hands feel warm against the cold of mine.

25:30

Rhyming is hard. Especially if its near iambic.

Day eighty-eight

He contemplates on the infinite mysteries of love and destiny and God

The low growl of the engine hums, inside

your car we sit and listen to the sound of

the top forty radio. I've never felt so

complete.

15:44

Day eighty-seven

Found

Your hands fit perfectly in mine, our fingers

fit between each other like the corners of

a log cabin. We say nothing to each other

as we contemplate the meanings of life.

Here, under the bright florescent lights

of the steak n shake we laugh and smile

and create a bubble of privacy in the public

eye. Beyond our table nothing exists. Zoom

out above the street, above the state

the country, the earth, and the galaxy

we are mere specs of specs of specs

across the universe. But, here alone

together we create warm meaning in

a seemingly meaningless world. And like

the birth of a star, we burst with silent joy.

15:23

Day eighty-six

Forgot to post this yesterday... I didn't cheat and not write 15min I promise... ask Twan! Excerpt from a project.

A nightmare. I’m in a nightmare. the bottom of my soles grip the heavy ground like an ivy tendril that grasps a tree trunk. Tad finally jolts me. “What’s her damn problem?” he says. The words come sharp like an e string on a guitar. I shrug. I replay the moment fast forwarding and rewinding, I edit different angles of my memory. I clutch the rock in my pocket. Take it out and begin to polish it with my shirt. The tiger’s eye in my hand still reminds me of your eyes. Should I have remained silent like a graveyard statue when you passed by? Should I have said something else, anything else, as long it wasn’t hey? I’m silent and remain silent for the rest of the day, and I’m afraid to open my mouth, afraid that you will hate me, afraid that you would stop talking too, afraid.

Approx 30min

Day eighty-five

The proton is dead: Today's misadventures in blog form.

I went to work this morning at 6am and did my usual Tuesday morning job, only the employee that I work with on Tuesdays was terribly ill. I had to do a bunch of mindless tasks and eventually sent her home. Today was like a Saturday, thanks to teacher furlough day. Children were in mass destroying our store and it seemed like I could not get any task done without being interrupted by one problem or the next. Luckily I had the opportunity to leave early and I seized it.

Unfortunately I had to leave work early for a reason. I promised my sister that I would take her and her friend to a concert downtown. She had no details about the concert except for it's location and time. So I naturally was a bit irritated by the lack of information and was in a generally bad mood. My sister sometimes really really bugs me. I wasn't really into the band she was going to see so I dropped her off and hung out at my alma mater.

I found an old building that I had many classes in and reached the top floor and read "Smiles to Go". At first I wasn't too interested in this kid's fiction book, but then I really got into it. I was about halfway through when an old High School friend of mine spotted me. I thought I was in trouble, because generally I'm awkward with encounters like this. I didn't really know him well, but he was a nice guy. In fact, he invited me to a violin / cello graduate student recital that was happening later on in the evening. I had nothing better to do, so I went.

My old high school acquaintance had to leave to go into the control room and I was left to sit alone, which was a relief, because I would have been awkward if we had sat next to each other. I chose a seat in the upper right most corner of the recital hall and I began to read more of "Smiles to Go". I kept reading and when it got to the climax the emotional part, I cried. I wept while a Schubert quintet was playing some up lifting music.

Oddly enough, the girl who sat directly in front of me... even though there were empty seats all around me, since this is the very very far back corner of the recital hall, began to cry too. Probably because of unrelated reasons, I ididn't see a book in her hand. She seemed very sad and I wanted to reach out and comfort her. But, this I thought in my head would be weird. Me, blotchy eyed, over a children's book and her blotchy eyed, for who knows what reason, her girlfriend or boyfriend, her failure to play in the recital, etc... So I decided against saying anything.

I like sitting in the far back, because I think it sounds better, especially if the recital hall is well insulated for acoustics. In the back, I finally get to hear the music, after it has traveled through the ears of so many others. I also like to see the big picture, the players vigorously handling their instruments.

Afterwards I realized that Twan was right, yet again, that I was much like Will Tuppence... tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag... sorry I had to go there. Anyways. I really really really related to Will. And I love this book. Read it! It will only take you 2 or 3 hours at most, and that's if you are a slow reader like me.

Anyways after the concert I read some other books that I will mention later in another blog post and I went to pick up my sister from the concert. While I was waiting outside the venue, I saw a girl get arrested, a bunch of drunk people, and four crazy homeless. It was all kind of funny seeing everyone interact with each other. I sat quietly and just observed.

So after the concert, my sister's friend wanted to meet the lead singer. We wait outside for at least 2 hours before the guy shows up in the loading area of the venue where everyone is waiting for him. And my sister got her picture taken. What is the point of this? Nothing, but it gives me an entry for now.

On another note, I almost got hit by a car today that is/was involved in a high speed pursuit with not just 1 cop car, not just 2, but 5... I've never seen so many cars move that quickly without being like a nascar wreck on the freeway.

That is all for now.

??:?? (More than 15 min).

Day eighty-four

Another long email. I've copied and pasted so you won't think I'm cheating on wfmad. This email is kind of personal so be aware you may be offended.

Where do you see God at work in the world?

Where do you see God at work in you (this one is often hard – ask a Christian friend you trust to help you answer this, or ask God to open your eyes to what God is doing in you: don’t forget, God could be at work in your questions!

What are one or two small steps can you do to move closer to God at work in you and in the world?

Randy,

The questions you’ve asked are almost impossible for me to answer at this point in time. I cannot tell you where I see God at work if I don’t even fully believe He exists. I do not follow both of the commandments Jesus stated in Matthew 22:37 – 40. Hypothetically speaking if I, from some divine intervention, retain what is called unconditional belief in God, I would imagine that I would say something like this:

God is at work everywhere, His omnipresent, omniscient, omni- benevolent, and omnipotent being works every minute of every day. His work is seen in nature, in life and death, in miracles, and all things good. I’ve seen God’s work in people moved by the Holy Spirit. I’ve seen God’s work move people to do unexpected things such as giving up their possessions and become missionaries in foreign countries to spread his word. God’s work, like Him, exists everywhere, sometime people do not recognize when He is working in them. The nearly avoided traffic accident, the serendipity of eros love, the arrival of friendship in times of depression, are all everyday examples of God’s work.

If I was a true believer I would say all these things without question without doubt, but I don’t see God’s work often. This may be blasphemous, but I mostly see a bitter and angry Father disappointed with his children – teaching his children to love out of fear. (Romans 1:18 being an example, I haven’t read much of the Old Testament, but from what I’m told God was indeed very wrathful in the Old days). Christ seemed to have intervened and as they say in that all too quoted John 3:16 (mostly at football games and wrestling matches) “For God so loved the world...” It seems though all of my non-believing will eventually lead me to perish. But, I would rather perish than to pretend to believe in something I don’t— A view that causes me great discomfort (as it should I suppose).

As for your second question: Assuming that God exists and that I believe in Him unconditionally, I would say I see God’s work in me everyday when I think about epistemological questions about truth and ontological questions of being and know that even though I question I still believe in His existence, that there is some inherent part of my being fighting a battle, let’s say my soul, for this belief. I have asked God several times to reveal Himself to me. I read and re-read Matthew 7:7-12 and Luke 11:5-10 in hopes that my audacity will finally get noticed by God. I feel frustrated, because I assume the search for God would be a peaceful, and in a more ignorant sense a simple one. I find myself questioning and confronting everything I read. I feel so much resistance, perhaps it could be called insecurity, in my search for God. if there was a way to say a prayer and just believe I would love to know what it is. Perhaps I see God at work in me when I have this unknown desire to be reconciled with Him (Romans 5:11). I read once that I feel spiritual guilt because I did not know or accept that guilt has been paid for by Christ.

I’m not sure any steps I take will move me closer to God in myself or at work.

The only steps I see are vast ones. “Leaps of Faith” if you will, but I suppose I could read the Bible more often and pray. If possible, I could humor myself and perhaps even God by just letting go of all doubt. It seems impossible though.

I know I haven’t really answered your questions and honestly I don’t know how to properly answer them (if there is even a proper way). I’m sorry for this. I wish there was a better way to convey myself. If you need me to clarify anything let me know, though I might not even know how to. One day I hope you ask me these questions again when I’m a true believer.

I have some questions for you if you have the time:

When you say “The truth is, faith in Jesus is not primarily fueled by feeling, but instead, it is fueled by intentional choices to live each day in the presence of God” I’m not sure what you mean by living each day in the presence of God. If God’s already always present, wouldn’t all of our actions be in His presence? What are some examples of intentional choices that lead to living each day in the presence of God?

Do you believe God chases after those who don’t believe in Him? Do you think he truly gives us a choice to believe or not to believe? I know this is a heavy handed question predicated by the issue of “Free Will”, but I would at least like to know your opinion, even if there isn’t an answer.

Thanks again for responding and taking the time to reply. I know you are very busy and this email is very long, so I’m not expecting a response right away and I definitely can wait. I’m not sure if I can repay you for your time, but perhaps when I stop becoming a heathen it will be revealed to me.

2:43:41

Day eighty-three

So, I wrote a letter to a friend, took me an hour to write out the words. It was sad. So instead of what I wrote I provide you with a short stories set in the World of Warcraft mythos. Enjoy.

An’she and Mu’sha

Part One of Mistrunner.

The Earthmother, her heart heavy with her children’s plight, could not bear to watch them fall from grace. In her grief, she tore out her eyes and set them spinning across the endless starry skies. An’she and Mu’sha, seeking to ease the other’s sorrow, could only chase each other’s faint glow across the sky.

-Excerpt from Sorrow of the Earthmother.

Mu’sha, the left eye of the Earthmother, glowed dimly through the clouds above the lands of old Lordaeron. A yellow fog hugged the land as a Shu’halo (The Children of the Earth, Tauren) prepared a camp near a dying evergreen tree somewhere in northern Lordaeron. He set his companion, a midnight colored hawk owl, near him as he sat down and wrote in his journal—

Day One hundred and eighty-six: I have found a unique species of what the followers of the Banshee Queen call Plaguebloom. It has some of the properties that The Circle has been looking for. I have still avoided detection from the Scourge, it appears their attention is distracted. The land here is not right, it seems to have gotten progressively worse than when I first arrived. The further I go into the wilds the worse it is. Something is worsening its condition. Although, some parts of the land are fighting back though; it is as if it were a child desperately fighting off an infection. I will continue my mission and bring a sample back to Nighthaven for further study at the end of the…

The Shu’halo heard twigs snapping nearby and stopped writing. He detected no signs of the undead, but it was difficult to see or sense anything in the dense fog that enveloped him. He looked deeply into the fog, straining his eyes, and saw the shape of red flames approaching. “Strange” he muttered to himself as he tried to comprehend what he was seeing. The flames did not give off any light, but it was clear to him that they were moving closer. Cold and silent the crimson flames slowly encircled the lone bull. The Shu’halo, sensing the danger, quickly scrawled lettering on his parchment and attached it to the leg of his hawk owl, and said “Go now Ero and find your way home, safe journey old friend.” The sound of drawn steel and human laughter soon surrounded him. It was too late to escape; the Shu’halo grabbed his mace and prepared to fight. The flames approached closer as the laughter grew louder. The moon was soon covered by black clouds and a heavy darkness covered the land like a blanket. In the distance the Shu’halo could hear his name called out.

“Jongo! Jongoooo! Jooonnngooo!” Jongo’s sister screamed as she poked the tired bull in the back.

“Only a dream, or nightmare.” Jongo thought to himself as he trudged across the bridge between the land of sleep and the land of awake. “Go away Nan! The sun has yet to rise and I’m in no mood for your dung!” Jongo yelled.

“Wake up you lazy turtle! Mother wants to speak with you. And oh I umm did it again, brother.” Nan sheepishly held up a large ceramic pot with what looked like a small twig and dead leaves.

Jongo looked at the withered plant and sighed, he closed his eyes and muttered grow. As though by command the twig began to sprout leaves and grew taller and its roots spread quickly. The plant grew to five times its size, bore small fruit, and its large roots curled out and destroyed the ceramic vessel that once held it. “You would be hard pressed to kill this one. Remember to water it once a day.” Jongo chuckled.

“You always overdo things! Hmmph, and you better hurry, Mother looks pretty serious about this, I bet you’re in trouble.” Nan grinned as she skipped out of the room with the large plant in her hands.

It was not yet dawn when Jongo stepped out of his room into the brisk morning air. He looked at his trembling hands as he tried to make sense of his dream. The terror felt real enough and Jongo shook his head. “Only a dream.” He muttered. He saw his mother waiting for him outside her hut; her eyes were sharper than quilboar tusks. He had not seen his mother this concerned or anxious since the death of his father over ten years ago.

“Jongo, Hamuul Runetotem has sent for you. It’s about your brother Chaske. I-I don’t know what this is all about, but he sent for you specifically and would tell me no more. You are to meet him on Elder’s Rise at nightfall. He says Chaske’s on an important errand, but-but something doesn’t feel right.” His mother tried to push back the tears that were flowing down her face.

“I’m sure Chaske’s fine, Mother, He can take care of himself. He’s a fine druid; Hamuul himself said that he was the best he’s seen in decades. besides, we both know that he’s on a special errand for the Warchief.” Jongo said grasping his mother’s shoulder.

“It’s been over half a year since we’ve heard from him, not one word, and I don’t know what to think. And now out of nowhere Hamuul’s messenger comes and says you are needed and it’s about Chaske!? What could it mean?” Jongo’s mother replied.

“I don’t know Mother, but I will let you know as soon as I find out. The sun’s almost up and I have to tend to the northern orchards they are looking a little withered, I’ll let you know what happens after the meeting, I promise, I love you Mother.” With that said Jongo hugged his mother and left for the fields below Thunder Bluff.

The day passed quickly and soon An’she, the right eye of the Earthmother, descended slowly toward the edge of the World. Bright hues of pinks and oranges were painted behind her wake, the sky blazed, and Mu’sha, the left eye trailed not far behind. In the distance the sound of drums pounded like thunder echoing off of mountains. Day was at an end and the many Shu’halo that were out farming, hunting, and gathering were returning to their homes on the windswept mesa of Thunder Bluff. Jongo Mistrunner stood, staring at the bright orb falling behind cascading mountains, on one of the wood planked bridges that connected the main rise of Thunder Bluff to the Elder rise. The bridge swayed softly, rocked by the wind, as if it was being cradled by the Earthmother herself. “What could Hamuul want or need and what does this have to do with Chaske?” Jongo reflected as he continued to watch the setting sun.

End of Part One.