Day twenty-two

I want to capture the feelings, hold them

in my hands. Squeeze them tightly and watch

them crumble. I want to feel again. I'm numb.

Not sure what to do anymore. Panicked. I'm angry,

hurt, bits of happiness cut through the canopy

like strips of light passing through leaves. There

is still a storm on the horizon. Looming with uncertainty.

I wish you the best, but I can't bear to tell you-

to tell you that I want you to be happy. I want you

to find someone you can ultimately connect with

on a level higher than our own. When you asked

if you wanted to be best friends I wanted to say yes

but I was afraid. That I would get hurt again, that I

would do something crazy, like smash the next

guy you date into a wall with my car. I'm not violent,

but there's always the possibility. There's always

the possibility that ten years from now you

and I will pass each other. There would be an awkward

moment pass between us. The slight shift as we

recognize each other then, something I fear most,

there will be silence. And we will pass each other

to unknown destinations. Regret, regret, regret,

slammed into my chest like balled up fist. Rationally

I know this wasn't my fault, that we weren't meant

for each other. But I am irrational. In a frenzied state

of hurt and confusion. Did I really do my best? Did

I frustrate you too much? Did you just need some space?

These questions will never be answered. They will be written

down, balled up and tossed into a fire- a sad sacrifice

to the god of endings and break-ups. But the god

of new beginnings will lay its hand on my shoulder

and smile. I'm done.

16:14